Review: Threat of Darkness (Witches Knot 06) by Lauren Dane

Synopsis (from Goodreads): 

This book is a spinoff of the Witches Knot series, but can be read alone. 
 Mei is a Warrior for the Balance. She stands between good and evil. So when her boss tells her she's got to head to Tir na nOg to help the Fae she is most displeased. Mei's mother Aine, the queen of the Fae, betrayed and exiled her millennia ago. Or so she's been led to believe. But Aine was misled by her own sister, and suddenly everything Mei has thought was true for thousands of years falls down around her ears as she looks up to see the face of her husband. Her first husband, a man she'd thought was dead. Jayce MacTavish is surprised to find that his wife, thought millennia dead, is alive, but his joy is tempered by the realization that she's got another mate. Mei, Card and Jayce must find a way to be together as three while a threat from the Dark Fae and a new enemy darkens the horizon. 

"Publisher Note: This book contains brief scenes of male/male sexual enjoyment."

My note: just one kiss *snort*. Definitely not worth the publicity it received.

My impressions:

I started to read this novel while on holiday by the sea. I was feeling rather optimistic at the time - you see, it enjoys a pretty high rating average on Goodreads, 4 stars out of 5, nothing less. Why - my mind boggles. It was horrid. It was stupid. It was a fantasy book without one inch of imagination or, well, fantasy. The fact that your characters are fairies, demons, trolls and werewolves DOESN'T mean anything without the proper world build and here there was no such a thing. Still I was the first Goodreads user who actually has given it one star. There must be something wrong: with the universe, with me, with the books and the publishing industry, with the world at large. Horribly, terribly wrong. How cannot people notice? HOW?

It is a relatively short novel - just 133 pages. One third of it consists of sex scenes. Boring, repetitive and schematic sex scenes I must add. Any and every conflict is resolved by either sex or deus-ex-machina magic performed by some gods - Freia and Carl Donovan are among them. Carl Donovan a.k.a. the Donovan is really a strange choice of name for a divine entity but whatever - if you compare it to the fact that all characters of this beauty take the expression "too stupid to live" to quite an insanely low level one inappropriate name is really a minor glitch.

Ponder over this: Mei was imprisoned and tortured by some BDSM demonic afficionados for a millenium. Yes, a millenium of torture and rapes, you read it right. Nobody even thought of looking for her because everybody believed she had been killed in a battle. Why? Her aunt said so. Nobody found the remnants of Mei's body, nobody saw anything but all those great fairies, Mei's mother and her very loving husband, Jaice, among them, assumed that if Eire (the aunt) says Mei is dead then Mei is dead, end of the story. Irrefutable logic, right? 

Then Mei is freed from her prison by Card the half were half demon, soon to be her hubby number two;  after a period of recovery she returns home and she is said that Jaice is dead, her mom doesn't want to see her anymore, she is disinherited and basically she can go and jump to the lake, thank you very much for the visit, don't bother to show your face the second time. Yes, you guessed right: once again her lovely aunt was the source of those completely false revelations. Actually she sent one of Mei's mother flunkies to do the dirty job. What Mei, a clever warrior and a fairy princess several millenia old, does? She believes in every word of that flunkey - without even thinking of contacting anybody else. If you are said by a third party your beloved husband is dead and your mum hates your guts you should ALWAYS believe it straightaway, right? Even without any proof presented? *headdesk*

Then the novel went from bad to worse. Yes, I mean the baddies, whose characterization was non-existent. You see, they are bad because a) they are DARK fae (got it? DARK!!!) and b) they hate humans. Oh well, sometimes I am not so fond of humans either and I dress in black - I bet I am bad too, right? 

Not that the goodies were better, believe me, they were not. Both male interests of the main heroine  could be described very simply as a red-headed, long-braided Scot with great physique (Jaice) and a half-werewolf half-demon with yellow eyes and great physique (Card). Here you go - now you know everything there is to know about them. I bet plenty of male catwalk models show more of their personality during an average photo session than those two. Their main role is to satisfy Mei in bed (or anywhere else if the mood strikes) and generally take care of her.  If you are now wondering I rush to add the crucial bit of info: both do it at the same time. Mostly. In order to spoil you even further: they are her two husbands and they are fond of each other as well. How come? Magic! Nothing else is needed in a successful relationship, right? (btw thanks Tasha/heidenkind for that little beauty below!)

If only magic extended also to the plot, the dialogues and the overall writing quality...unfortunately the plot was HIGHLY predictable, I bet my dog would guess any major turn and twist without any problem, the dialogues were wooden infodumps full of cliches and maudlin love and/or independence declarations (independence so you knew Mei is kick-ass), some sentences were clearly grammatically incorrect and after reaching the half point I decided I really don't need to torture myself any longer so I dumped it. Still I amused myself with  checking the finale grande. Yes, I guessed EVERYTHING right.  What joy ;(

Final verdict:

So not for me that I can hardly contain myself, limiting the amount of expletives to zero. If you want to know how a fantasy erotica novel looks when gone completely awry, read this one but don't blame me afterwards - you have been warned.

Rameau's Review Archive: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Rameau's ramblings: This is one of those books everyone recommended to me and once again I'm the odd one out. Originally posted on Goodreads on March 21st 2013.

Synopsis:

Andrew "Ender" Wiggin thinks he is playing computer simulated war games at the Battle School; he is, in fact, engaged in something far more desperate. Ender is the most talented result of Earth's desperate quest to create the military genius that the planet needs in its all-out war with an alien enemy.

Is Ender the general Earth needs? The only way to find out is to throw the child into ever harsher training, to chip away and find the diamond inside, or destroy him utterly. Ender Wiggin is six years old when it begins. He will grow up fast.

But Ender is not the only result of the experiment. The war with the Formics has been raging for a hundred years, and the quest for the perfect general has been underway for almost as long. Ender's two older siblings, Peter and Valentine, are every bit as unusual as he is, but in very different ways.

Between the three of them lie the abilities to remake a world. If, that is, the world survives.

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

I am disgusted.

I am so thoroughly disgusted with this book that I can’t even logically explain my utter revulsion. Ender’s Game reads like propaganda, and the characters in it are living it. It wasn’t until I saw the comparison to Adolf Hitler that I thought of Hitler Junge, but it makes sense. These kids are brainwashed into becoming soldiers, killers, and they’re never given a choice.

Except it’s much worse than that. Ender actually learns to doubt, to disobey, to choose, and he chooses wrong. (view spoiler)[He chooses mass murder. To add insult to injury, he writes a book about it and gives voice to the voiceless, to the dead. (hide spoiler)] How is that different from any other conqueror rewriting the history to suit them?

If this were a normal review, I’d remark upon the failed, nonexistent characterisations, the lack of character growth or lessons learned, the lack of actual challenges overcome (how can he overcome anything when he never fails?), the lack of plot that isn’t told in short paragraphs as in passing. But this isn’t a normal review and I’m just going to link you to better articles about the story itself.

Review: Shaedes of Gray (Shaede Assassin 01) by Amanda Bonilla

Book info:
Form: pdf, e-book
Genre: paranormal romance, urban fantasy
Target audience: adults

 Synopsis (from Goodreads):

"I'd learned the hard way that love is nothing more than the sharpest blade, and it can easily be turned against you. I refused to let anyone have that kind of power over me ever again."

Darian has lived alone for almost a century in the shadows of the night. Made and abandoned by her former love, Darian is the last of her kind—an immortal Shaede who can slip into darkness as easily as breathing. With no one else to rely on, she has taught herself how to survive, using her unique skills to become a deadly assassin.

Darian finds herself struggling to keep her employer, Tyler, at arm's length, especially since his seductive smile makes her want to break her rules about love. The work he offers is necessary to protect the innocent—and a welcome distraction. But when Darian's next mark turns out to be Xander Peck, King of the Shaede Nation, her whole worldview is thrown into question. Darian begins to wonder if she has taken on more than her conscience will allow, but a good assassin never leaves a job unfinished.

My impressions or rather...a list of sins with the appropriate quotes to illustrate my points better :

1.
"I wore my signature black—tight pants, low on my waist; long-sleeved black nylon turtleneck that clung to every curve of my body; black boots (of course); and, to top it off, a long black duster. I admit, the coat was a little over the top, but I love dramatics."

Dear Darian- are you an assassin or a fashionista ? Who cares what you wear to work? A tip – not me. Wardrobe descriptions are so boring, especially in fantasy action books, that they should be banned unless they actually contribute to the plot. Not your case, I presume.

2.
"God, he smelled good. Comforting, like fresh-baked cinnamon bread or something equally delicious and loaded with rich spices. His unique scent swirled around in my head, and I wanted nothing more than to lean into him, feel the weight of his arms around me as I breathed him in. But then my common sense gave me a swift kick in the ass."

Olfactory overload alert – honestly, Darian, I don’t need and I don’t want to know how you think Tyler smells. I wish your common sense kicked your ass much earlier – if a guy smells so much his personal grooming level must be abysmal.

3.
"Ty never overdid it in the clothing department. He was a jeans and T-shirt guy all the way, but he knew how to make the simple garments complement his lean, muscular body. Tyler’s not even a notch below Calvin Klein underwear-model physique, and has a tousled mop of goldand-bronze-streaked hair and strange hazel eyes—green with a brownish star surrounding the pupil. A garbage bag would’ve looked like an Armani suit on him."

No, not fashion again, please, I promise, I will be good from now on, I’ll tell you everything, just don’t torture me with fashion…by the way that’s the best characterization of Tyler you can get. He is like a paper cut, heavily photoshoped male model who can’t exist because the evolution wouldn’t be so dumb to allow him to – it would be a complete waste of oxygen.

4.
"He needed to forget about me and find himself a pretty human woman to grow old and die with. And then I’d be truly alone. Wouldn’t I? 
Rain pattered against the round toes of my thick-soled boots, and I watched the drops splatter like the tears I refused to shed."

There is nothing worse than an assassin talking fashion – unless you can find an emo assassin talking alternately fashion and self-pitying rubbish chapter after chapter. Darian, I am looking at you right now.

5.
"I looked like a Goth kid’s wet dream, sitting in my black sex-kitten outfit, sipping a rum and Coke, exuding little to no emotion on the outside while my insides writhed like angry vipers."

My first general remark: your ego, dear girl, needs some pruning asap or one day you will die under it, literally crushed by its weight. My second general remark: if you wear a black sex-kitten outfit to work then you are not an assassin, you are a prostitute. My third general remark: you seem to be having diarrhoea and you aren’t aware of it– my commiserations.

6.
"Even from across the apartment, his eyes held me captive. Melted caramel flecked with gold, possessing the bright glow that I knew mine had, though his were more brilliant. The smell of him permeated the air, filling my studio with a sweetness that would put a field of wildflowers to shame. His lips curled up at the corners, hinting at an arrogant smile."

Meet Xander Peck, an overripe hottie Darian failed to murder; another jerk who will invade and foul clean air around you like an unpleasant air freshener in a dirty car. Put on your gas mask, quick!

7.
"Abandoning my signature black, I was decked out in white from head to toe. My white-on-white striped blouse buttoned up to the swell of my breasts, with my white bra visible underneath. I’d tucked the shirt into a white pencil skirt that reached to my white satin heels and hugged my hips perfectly. Business attire, to an extent."

Business attire? With a visible bra and satin heels? Unless, once again, you mean THAT kind of business…with an additional wedding-themed kink.

8.
"Despite his outrage, Tyler knew I was no delicate flower. In fact, once he’d said that I could probably take on an entire company of Navy SEALs and kill them before they knew I was there. He was right, of course."

*rolleyes* And who is a shameless, stupid braggart again? Darian of course. Honestly if your main character says such things about herself you can't help despising her.

9.
"But I kept my standards high, refusing to take any job that involved an innocent. The men who paid me eventually met their ends. Once or twice at my hand. I’d worked for a Russian mob boss for years, and just like the others, his luck had run out. That’s when I met Tyler."

Who do you think you’re fooling, Darian? High standards, no innocents involved, and a Russian mob? Pull the other one, it’s got bells on. By the way who died and made you God to distinguish between innocents and guilty?

10.

All the sins have been taken from the first part only, mind you. Add to those: an insufferable love triangle, insta-lust, nonexistent female characters other than the heroine, a very awkward, 1st person limited narration which can be put to shame by many fanfic authors, woody dialogues, infodumps galore, a freakin’ katana and you get something I mistook for a novel and is, in fact, a collection of dumbest, most obnoxious cliches. 

Final verdict:

An unintelligent being with an overinflated opinion of herself gets beat up by anything not human, still never learns, and is annoyingly vulnerable to masculine good looks. And forget about the Bechdel test because who needs company of other women when there are GUYS around. Your life should completely revolve around guys even if you are that kick-ass assassin chick, right?

A DNF, nuff said.

Rameau's Review Archive: Rakkautta rivien välissä (Past Secrets) by Cathy Kelly

Rameau's Ramblings: I read the Finnish translation of Past Secrets and reviewed it on July 6th 2011

Synopsis: 
They all hide secrets that won't go away....

From the outside, the welcoming, garden-adorned houses of Summer Street are the picture of Irish charm. But on the inside, unexpected and heartbreaking secrets swirl. At house number thirty-two, hardworking, single-mother Faye Reid conceals the truth about her marriage from her fiery daughter, Amber. But Amber, a budding artist, also hides something from her all-too-trusting mother: a relationship with a rock star hopeful for whom she plans to throw away her future. And at number forty-eight, Maggie Maguire arrives at her childhood home to help her sick mother, a welcome distraction from the life she left behind and the startling secret she's hiding -- from herself.

And only become harder to keep...

At thirty-four Summer Street, wise and kind Christie Devlin has the remarkable ability to see into the lives and hearts of others -- and may have the answers when her neighbors' carefully hidden secrets bubble to the surface. But when Christie's own past comes back to haunt her -- posing a threat to her picture-perfect marriage -- this time the answers aren't as clear.

Rakkautta rivien välissä by Cathy Kelly


I honestly don't have a clue why I finished reading this one. Except that the paperback was lying on my desk for weeks and I needed something safe (as in I wasn't risking my Kindle) to read while travelling. I was expecting some kind of romance novel maybe with a bit more mature and realistic approach and that's about as much as I got.

What I didn't expect were three different novels in one about three different characters I never got the chance to like or care about. The only connecting thread was the name of the street and everything else promised in the first third of the book. The writing was perfunctory and so was the editing, apparently, because that's the only explanation I can think of for reading about someone picking up the phone and getting to the dialogue only a page later. Too often the author would go down these cul-de-sacs to explain something that had happened earlier instead of getting to the point.

The characters got their happy ending and while I can see the logic in the pats they took to get there, I never cared one bit.

Unless you're a devoted fan of the author, I'd give this one a miss.

Rameau's Review Archive: Divergent by Veronica Roth

Rameau's Ramblings: Those were the days. Originally posted on Goodreads on October 24th 2011.

Synopsis:
In Beatrice Prior's dystopian Chicago, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue--Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is--she can't have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.

During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles to determine who her friends really are--and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers a growing conflict that threatens to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves . . . or it might destroy her.

Debut author Veronica Roth bursts onto the literary scene with the first book in the Divergent series--dystopian thrillers filled with electrifying decisions, heartbreaking betrayals, stunning consequences, and unexpected romance.


Divergent by Veronica Roth

This is one of those reviews that's going to earn me a bad name for going against every single review for this book on my timeline. I know I'm fixating on the smallest thing, but that's how my mind works. I simply can't help it. I have to be painfully honest about this.

It's bad when you can't get past the first page without serious prompting from friends and a fanfic high, isn't it? And it's not because Roth can't write, she absolutely can, beautifully and enticingly once you get going. It's because I made the fundamental mistake of looking for sense where there was none.

It was the hair.

I'm not spoiling anything because this all happens right at the beginning of chapter one.

I truly couldn't get past the hair. What's the point of cutting her hair every three months, four times a year, if it's still long enough to be tied on a knot? It doesn't matter how long the hair is on the knot as long as it's long enough to make one. Split ends? They're Abnegations, supposed to veer towards selflessness, they're not supposed to notice or care. Appearances aren't supposed to matter to Abnegations. Even their food is plain.

The scene was about the mother taking care of her daughter, you tell me. It's still vanity and an indication of the lives modern city women lead, if this is what they consider normal.

I have long hair which is often tied on a knot. I get it cut or trimmed twice a year, at most. More often, if I want to keep my chemically induced curls, but that would be considered flaunting and I wouldn't fit in Abnegation then.

Speaking of which, I wouldn't fit in any of the factions this society is divided in. Not even the rogue Divergent faction. That's how artificial the setting is and that is how unbelievable it is to me.

There's no way this kind of society could spring from the ashes of war ravaged earth. I don't buy it for a second. And with that crumbles everything beautiful and true the author tried to convey. The love and loyalty? I simply didn't care.

But if you do, if you find yourself swept away by the futile and the pretty, it is an entertaining novel on a certain superficial level. I'm just sad I couldn't find that level when I started reading this book.

No, wait. I'm not sorry. I'm more complicated a person than that and that's the way I like it.

Factionless, out.

Rameau's Review Archive: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

Rameau's Ramblings: This is from when I'd just started reviewing books properly and putting some thought into it. If you can call it that. Originally posted on Goodreads on April 26th 2011. 
Oh, and look at that. This is a

 


Synopsis: 
From the acclaimed author of The Remains of the Day and When We Were Orphans, a moving new novel that subtly reimagines our world and time in a haunting story of friendship and love.

As a child, Kathy – now thirty-one years old – lived at Hailsham, a private school in the scenic English countryside where the children were sheltered from the outside world, brought up to believe that they were special and that their well-being was crucial not only for themselves but for the society they would eventually enter. Kathy had long ago put this idyllic past behind her, but when two of her Hailsham friends come back into her life, she stops resisting the pull of memory.

And so, as her friendship with Ruth is rekindled, and as the feelings that long ago fueled her adolescent crush on Tommy begin to deepen into love, Kathy recalls their years at Hailsham. She describes happy scenes of boys and girls growing up together, unperturbed – even comforted – by their isolation. But she describes other scenes as well: of discord and misunderstanding that hint at a dark secret behind Hailsham’s nurturing facade. With the dawning clarity of hindsight, the three friends are compelled to face the truth about their childhood–and about their lives now.

A tale of deceptive simplicity, Never Let Me Go slowly reveals an extraordinary emotional depth and resonance – and takes its place among Kazuo Ishiguro’s finest work.


Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro


There's this thing I like to call the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-effect. Some tie it to Inception instead, but for me that would oversimplifying things. Regardless what you call it, the basic idea is, you either get it or you don't.

However, in this case, it's difficult to get anything in the absence of substance.

The average rating of this book makes me think people are afraid to admit that even a revered author can sometimes write a book worth less than the paper it's printed on. And with the current electricity prices, the kindle edition is plain old robbery.

The writing is apathetic and detached making connecting with the characters impossible, which is very bad for a novel that's supposed to be character driven. It certainly isn't a good sign when the most unlikeable of the main three is the most relatable of the characters.

Kathy, the narrator, is insipid, back boneless shell of a human being who constantly bad mouths the supposed love of her life. The name calling, however, wasn't the only reason why the token romance of this book turned out be unconvincing and dubious at best.

In the end, it was the utter lack of emotion - and plot - that killed the story. I refuse to believe that anyone could be so dispassionate about sex with someone they claim to love, especially when the written description of their first sexual act nears rape - no consent was given or asked. That along with the decimation of the last plot strings downgraded this book from it's possible three star maximum to one.

Rameau's Review Archive: The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins — 3 in 1

Originally posted on my long forgotten personal blog and imported to Goodreads in January 2011. Spoilers ahead.

Synopsis (for the first book):
Could you survive on your own, in the wild, with everyone out to make sure you don't live to see the morning? 

In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV. 

Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she steps forward to take her sister’s place in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before—and survival, for her, is second nature. Without really meaning to, she becomes a contender. 

If she is to win, she will have to start making choices that will weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

(My rating: 4 of 5 stars)

I liked it. I didn't hate Katniss which is always a big plus for me and I enjoyed the story as well.

I just wish this is where the story had ended.



Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins (My rating: 2 of 5 stars)
No character growth for Katniss what so ever. Okay, she was scarred by the events at the arena and yadda yadda yadda, but this was one of the times I was actually waiting for the triangle to kick off. I've heard people say that they couldn't wait to read the third book after finishing this one, but I was not one of those people. I just wanted to forget I'd ever read it. I should have done just that.

Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

The book that ended the trilogy and could have saved the story ended up destroying everything I liked about the first book. The preachy tone couldn't be ignored any longer neither could the destruction of my favourite character, Gale. He should not have been equated with War and Peeta with Love. Katniss was a bitch that deserved to die a miserable death alone. That is if I could be bothered to care enough.

The worst, though, was that I could see it all coming and still I finished reading the book. Masochist that I am.

It's pretty safe to say that I won't be reading Suzanne Collins' work any more.

Quotes and Notes Review: Inferno by Dan Brown

 Perseus, Piazza della Signoria, Florence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am trying officially a new reviewing format. It is not the first time I've done such a review but finally I found a proper name for it: I called it "quotes and notes" because it roughly consists of quotes taken from a book and my comments, nothing else. I feel some books cannot be reviewed in another way.

Inferno. 

I admit shamelessly it was a horrible novel but also I was enjoying myself immensely while reading and writing about it . You see, it was so bad that it was actually funny. :) I decided to illustrate my review with some good art to provide a nice balance. After all Florence is indeed one of the most beautiful cities of the world, with the most stunning art pieces scattered around it.

Our sweetest hero, Robert Langdon, is lying in a Florence hospital bed. Florence in Italy, Europe, the Earth, the Solar system, third planet from the Sun. He is dreaming of an elderly but beautiful, silver-haired woman; she standing near a bloody river, full of bodies. All of a sudden…

“She pointed now to a writhing pair of legs, which protruded upside down from the earth, apparently belonging to some poor soul who had been buried headfirst to his waist. The man’s pale thigh bore a single letter—written in mud—R.R? Langdon thought, uncertain. As in … Robert? “Is that … me?””


No, Mr. Langdon. I am glad to inform you this is your creator. ‘R’ means 'rich and rotten writer', perhaps also ‘rabid’. Like in ‘rabid theories’ or ‘rabid fiction’. As you maybe remember symbology is a tricky subject – one sign or letter might have more than meaning. You see? Who can say Dan Brown’s books can’t teach you a thing or two?

Ok, enough of waffling, here comes the bride our new female lead:

“She appeared to be in her early thirties. She wore blue scrubs and had tied her blond hair back in a thick ponytail that swung behind her as she walked.“I’m Dr. Sienna Brooks,” she said, giving Langdon a smile as she entered. (…)Tall and lissome, Dr. Brooks moved with the assertive gait of an athlete. Even in shapeless scrubs, she had a willowy elegance about her. Despite the absence of any makeup that Langdon could see, her complexion appeared unusually smooth, the only blemish a tiny beauty mark just above her lips. Her eyes, though a gentle brown, seemed unusually penetrating, as if they had witnessed a profundity of experience rarely encountered by a person her age. ”

Mmm… appetizing indeed! A lissome blonde with chocolate eyes? And a British doctor to boot, with a good, practical knowledge of…er…human anatomy? A tiny beauty mark you say? Oh, Langdon, you old lecher! I suppose your bachelorhood years will finally come to an end. *insert here a powerful, desperate sigh of all those ladies, matrons and teen girls secretly in love with our hero. Half of them will dye their hair if they get a moment or two to spare. Next time you see a sea of peroxide blondes swishing their ponytails, natural or artificial, in public you will know why – call it the Langdon effect. The hottest fashion around at the moment.*

“(…) a powerfully built woman effortlessly unstraddled her BMW motorcycle and advanced with the intensity of a panther stalking its prey. Her gaze was sharp. Her close-cropped hair—styled into spikes —stood out against the upturned collar of her black leather riding suit. She checked her silenced weapon, and stared up at the window where Robert Langdon’s light had just gone out.”

Woo-hoo, it seems it will be a very feminist installment! Women everywhere, even among the baddies! You go, Hell’s Angels Mama! (pst, pst, her name is Vayentha. Cool, isn’t it? *giggle*).

Now comes the first awww moment. Could I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen (ok, mostly ladies)? Handkerchiefs and Kleenexes ready?

“Sienna Brooks gazed absently out the kitchen window and wondered where the day would lead her. (…) She knew it was probably just the adrenaline, but she found herself strangely attracted to the American professor. In addition to his being handsome, he seemed to possess a sincerely good heart. In some distant, alternate life, Robert Langdon might even be someone she could be with. He would never want me, she thought. I’m damaged.”

 A vertical panorama of a copy of the statue of David by Michelangelo on the Piazza della Signoria in Florence, Italy.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now repeat after me: AWWWWWWWWWWWW…wasn’t it sweet?

But wait a moment… they’ve just met; I grant you, she saw him almost naked in hospital but then she took him barely conscious home so they hardly talked at all and all of a sudden she knows he has a very good…heart!? Neither nose, nor face, nor biceps, nor buttocks nor tights nor abs but heart? Hey, Sienna, what made her think so? How could you possibly see his heart/or what did he do to make you assume that much? Fainted?

Oh, never mind, who would care about such trifles when right afterwards the adrenaline junkies are going to get their fix. Are you prepared, gentlemen and ladies (but now mostly gentlemen)? Grip your armrests and here it goes:

“The spike-haired woman had just entered, but Langdon could not fathom how she had gotten the address. Adrenaline coursed through his system, disjointing his thought process once again. “My own government sent someone to kill me?” Sienna looked equally astounded. “Robert, that means the original attempt on your life at the hospital also was sanctioned by your government.” She got up and double-checked the lock on the apartment door. “If the U.S. Consulate has permission to kill you …” She didn’t finish the thought, but she didn’t have to. The implications were terrifying.”

Go Vayentha, go! By the way you know your government sucks if even Robert Langdon jumps to conclusions and immediately starts accusing them of the worst. I hope Mr. Obama and all the Americans will read this book and take the necessary steps - PR, stupid!

“As his men disappeared into the apartment building, Brüder stood watch at the front door, pulling out his comm device and contacting the person in charge.
“It’s Brüder,” he said. “We’ve successfully tracked Langdon through his computer IP address. My team is moving in. I’ll alert you when we have him.””

I love German baddies who have to announce the obvious time and again, sounding like the dumbest character ever or like a machine. If you are stupid and you are German, you had it coming. If you are stupid and you are American you simply teach symbology at Harvard.

“Sienna had never imagined, when she and Robert Langdon first met, that it would lead to this. This is more than I bargained for. When Sienna had left the hospital with Langdon, she thought they were fleeing a woman with spiked hair and a gun. ”

This is actually less than I bargained for. It seems the editor took a long nap at some point and the whole section (which I didn't want to quote because it was too long) remained delightfully muddled and written in a disarmingly bad style. Pure, undilluted Dan Brown special! Whan can be said? Go Vayentha, go!

“Sienna reached up and gently smoothed out Langdon’s Brioni suit jacket and adjusted his collar. “You look very presentable, Robert.” She gave him a demure smile, adjusted her own sweater, and set out.”

Awww…but so very typical. The lady is clearly smitten, ready to drag Langdon to bed, to altar, chain him to the wall of her bedroom or kitchen (choose the most exciting option). In short she is salivating over him. Robert says…nothing. Ah, those strong and silent types *false swoon*.

The Rape of the Sabine Women by Giambologna, in the Loggia dei Lanzi in Florence. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“VAYENTHA HAD ABANDONED her motorcycle just north of the Palazzo Vecchio and was approaching on foot along the perimeter of the Piazza della Signoria. As she wound her way through the Loggia dei Lanzi’s outdoor statuary, she could not help but notice that all the figures seemed to be enacting a variation on a single theme: violent displays of male dominance over women.
The Rape of the Sabines.
The Rape of Polyxena.”


Now I am officially setting up Vayentha’s fan club. She comes, she looks, she notices the most important things…she’s got brains, a head of spiked hair and that BMW bike! If you want to join contact me and we’ll discuss it further, maybe create a pin and so on. So what she is going to be killed soon? KILLED yes, you read it right but it's hardly a spoiler. If you are an independent female character who doesn’t fawn on Langdon your fictional life in a Dan Brown novel will be short.My heart is bleeding but it must go on.

“Sienna Brooks was in fact totally bald, her bare scalp smooth and pale, like a cancer patient undergoing chemotherapy.”

Oh goody, another sinister fashion pointer. Next time you see a bald head you’ll never know whether it is a skinhead or a Robert Langdon fan. Let me tell you just this: never trust a bald head in Dan Brown’s books, be it a man or a woman. NEVER. If even your own hair decides to part with you something MUST be wrong. Look at professor Langdon. He has a good heart and is as fit as a fiddle. Not even 

one little bald patch or a pimple.

“I’ve heard of denial,” Langdon quipped blithely, “but I don’t think it exists.”

Duh. Of course it exists. Denial is a river, professor. In Egypt. You know, a country with pyramids and mummies, inhabited by Sphinxes, Pharaohs and such. Plenty of interesting symbols to explore too.

“Lira for your thoughts,” Sienna whispered beside him.Langdon glanced up, smiling wearily. “I keep thinking I’ll wake up at home and discover this was all a bad dream.”
Sienna cocked her head, looking demure. “You wouldn’t miss me if you woke up and found out I wasn’t real?”Langdon had to grin. “Yes, actually, I would miss you a little.”


Awwwww…she flirts with him again…they will marry, mark my words. Unless…after all lira doesn’t exist anymore and is worthless…oh dear, she will try to kill him or betray him, she will!!!She is bald and cannot be trusted!

Now one big fat spoiler:

“According to the provost, Sienna Brooks and Bertrand Zobrist had been longtime lovers. They were active together in some kind of underground Transhumanist movement.“

Ha! Didn’t I told ya? A bald girl = bad news! * thousands of matrons,ladies and girls, infatuated with Langdon imagine him being hugged to their more or less ample bosoms while reciting seven wonders of Florence architecture.*

And now the finale grande: Sienna is hiding in Istanbul, Turkey, everybody is chasing her, mayhem and mayhap and maypole around (just for alliteration's sake, it doesn't have to make sense, it is not that kind of book) and Langdon wants damn answers! A kingdom for an answer! Can you run away from him? No way, especially if you are a blonde female in dire need of a white knight because your previous one proved to be…rather dark.

“She began trembling, her shoulders hunched and shuddering. When she finally looked at Langdon, her eyes were overflowing with tears. “Robert,” she sobbed. “I can’t run away anymore. I have nowhere left to go.”

Awwww…still I preferred Vayentha. She had a bike and plenty of destinations to go.

“Brüder had an uneasy sense that he was missing something.”

Vayentha of course.

“Sienna, I know you want to run, but I’m not going to let you. Sooner or later you need to start trusting someone.”“I can’t …” She was sobbing. “I’m not sure I know how.”
Langdon held her tighter. “You start small. You take that first tiny step. You trust me.”"


Start creating wedding widgets - a bald bride and all that SYMBOLOGY. Or maybe not. Remember, she is bald.

“As Sienna stared up at the American professor, she felt a surge of emotion she wasn’t accustomed to feeling. Without warning, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him full on the lips. When she pulled away, her eyes were moist with tears. “I’ll miss you,” she whispered. Langdon smiled affectionately and wrapped his arms around her. “I’ll miss you, too.””

Translation: ‘Sienna, you are a babe, you truly are, even without hair; still I’ve got several babes waiting in the wings, all as hot as you and one even distantly related to Jesus Christ, so be a good girl and wait for your turn in a corner. If I feel lonely and in dire need of some bunga-bunga action I might, remember MIGHT, call you. Or not. Ciao bambina, arrivederci, grazie mille, I guess I don’t have to show the door to a woman with the IQ of 207, right?

Are you feeling the increase of the humility level? It’s caused by thousands of ladies, girls and matrons crying and blubbering over that delightful book. It ended well, it kept you entertained, it taught you about art of Florence, it broke your heard but in a positive way and in a completely controlled environment, with plenty of doctors and WHO officials around. Robert Langdon remains still single, ready to be leashed, chained, enslaved married. You can start counting your days till the next installment. Ah, Dan Brown, you charmer, you.

Final verdict:

I am speechless.

Yes, he did it again. Wrote a book worse than all the rest. The worst Dan Brown so far. The worst of the worst. A kind of achievement, don't you think? And you killed an innocent female character in a very rude fashion, Dan Brown you monster! Avenging Vayentha I pronounce your newest book...

ETA: check out Heidenkind's blog - there is a discussion about the same book we two had not so long ago!

Review: Strong Enough to Love (Jackson #1.6) by Victoria Dahl

Synopsis:
USA TODAY bestselling author Victoria Dahl delivers sassy and sexy contemporary romance in a new series set in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Get a taste with this novella, Strong Enough to Love....

Photographer Eve Hill was completely comfortable being single. Or at the very least, she was completely resigned to it. There was only one man who made every nerve in her body and brain light up when he walked into a room. But Brian Stewart had always been off limits. Hell, she'd never even kissed him!

For Brian, returning to Jackson Hole feels like coming home. But that has nothing to do with the town. It's Eve drawing him back. Eve and the chance to finally see if they have something or if it's all been in his imagination.

Eve doesn't think she can open her heart to Brian again after getting hurt so badly before, though her body still wants him. She offers Brian one night to fulfill their long-denied fantasies, and that's it. No love or promises, just a chance to get their attraction out of their systems. But can one night really be enough?

Return to Jackson Hole for more steamy romance by Victoria Dahl in Close Enough to Touch, Too Hot to Handle and So Tough to Tame.



It started out so well. Dahl painted the picture of Eve and her life and slowly eased in the tropes. I liked that they’re an older couple, closer to forty than twenty.

And then I started feeling sorry for the throwaway suitor, Mitch, who could never compete with Eve’s one true love or have the Chemistry with her that Brian has. Except that Mitch was the decent, loveable guy who didn’t stalk Eve, break her heart and storm back into her life expecting to replace whatever and whoever was occupying it currently. There is or there should be a difference between wearing someone down and pushing too hard.

It’s safe to say I didn’t care for Brian at all.

The ending? It’s the “unbelievable, too fast, miraculous cock cures all” kind.

Maybe this is a good read for those who already are fans of Dahl’s work, but for a casual reader it offers little. It certainly didn’t entice me to read more from her.

Rameau's Review Archive: Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire

Rameau's ramblings: I went looking for the first negative review I wanted to post here and I could only think of one. There are many books I've read and hated but there are a very few reviews I'm almost proud of. This is one of them. 

Originally posted on Goodreads on August 26th 2012.


Synopsis:
Abby Abernathy is a good girl. She doesn’t drink or swear, and she has the appropriate number of cardigans in her wardrobe. Abby believes she has enough distance from the darkness of her past, but when she arrives at college with her best friend, her path to a new beginning is quickly challenged by Eastern University’s Walking One-Night Stand.

Travis Maddox, lean, cut, and covered in tattoos, is exactly what Abby wants—and needs—to avoid. He spends his nights winning money in a floating fight ring, and his days as the ultimate college campus charmer. Intrigued by Abby’s resistance to his appeal, Travis tricks her into his daily life with a simple bet. If he loses, he must remain abstinent for a month. If Abby loses, she must live in Travis’s apartment for the same amount of time. Either way, Travis has no idea that he has met his match.
  



Beautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire


This review can also be found on Book Girl of Mur-y-Castell-blog.

Sometimes you just have to...
———


I feel dead inside. That’s what reading this book has done to me. I. feel. dead. inside.


Background information:
Earlier this year, I stumbled upon an incident—I lie, there were several—that inspired me to create such shelves as not-for-me and authors-behaving-badly and add this book with all the other books accredited to Jamie McGuire on them. This explains the first comment on this review thread.

I was angry and I rated the book poorly. Then I got over it and removed the rating, and for a while, forgot this book existed.

Ah, those were the happy days.

Then came summer and Simon & Schuster announced their massive brain fart of acquiring this novel and reprinting it. They made the choice to enhance their marketing campaign by allowing free review copies distributed through NetGalley. This was my one chance to read the novel for free and rate it in exchange for this simple tag:

I received an Advanced Readers Copy of this book from the publisher through NetGalley.

In this case, the Advanced Readers Copy means the superficially edited self-published version.


Actual review:
I hated it. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t want to hate it. I don’t enjoy reading bad books for fun—I don’t like tormenting myself with bad literature—but neither do I start a book expecting to find something positive or other redeemable qualities. I don’t artificially skew my perception just so I can lie about what a good book this is.

It’s not.

Though McGuire seems incapable of using simple he said/she said dialogue tags, there were moments, bits of dialogue, and a set up most promising that in the hands of any other talented or even a competent author could have been solid gold. It could have been the the story of two flawed people falling in love and perhaps changing for the better even if not transforming utterly normal people instead of romanticised description of abuse and misogyny. There were things Travis said or did that in any other setting and context would have been touching, sweet, deliciously heart-rending—but this was Travis and those things were anything but.

“Coupled with the alcohol in my system, when he pulled my body against his, things came to mind that were anything but friendly.”

McGuire’s simplistic writing is readable, even likeable at times, but it’s also uneven. There are good bits and then there are horribly bad bits. There were times when I’d forget to stop and think what made sense and what didn’t, and I’d just plough through pages without even realising it. Then the only recollection I’d have was having felt something. If I wasn’t paying attention to what it made me feel, I would—could, possibly, perhaps—understand why some people would think this a good book.

But I didn’t just plough through the pages. I read them slowly, carefully taking notes and always thinking of what made sense and what didn’t—very little, as it turns out.

Can a story be character driven without characterisations?

Apart from Travis’ tattoos—those tattoos are mighty important since they define what he can study and what his future career is going to be—not a single character in this book is given a proper, layered, characterisation. Not all characters are given physical descriptions, even Shepley, who as Travis’ cousin-slash-roommate and America’s boyfriend is prominently portrayed secondary character, is never given a physical description. To this day I don’t have a clue as to what he looks like. I know Abby and America are both blonds, I know Travis is tattooed all over and has hazel eyes, I even have a vague impression of Parker, but other than that I do not know. It’s never revealed.

What I do know is that Shepley is the lapdog enabler. He exists to be America’s boyfriend and provide a link between Travis and Abby. He exists to among others to make excuses for Travis’ behaviour. He doesn’t have any other function in this story.

America-Alice is Abby’s best friend the Weathervane. Depending on the scene she’s either trying to keep Abby and Travis apart or trying to get them together. She’s always dreamt of her and Abby dating brothers or cousins, so they could become real family or something other. America exists to drive Abby around and to scold her either for resisting Travis or not resisting him enough.

Parker is the token third wheel, a secondary love interest option paper doll. He’s rich and a hardworking student, but ultimately he’s just another jerk and not a viable third corner of a triangle—and that honour he has to share with Jesse, the ex-boyfriend. Parker exists to flirt with Abby and to make Travis jealous when the mood strikes. He also exists to prompt a casual date rape scenario.

Finch is the token gay guy. He exists to provide Abby with alcohol and a shoulder to cry on whenever America is lip-locked with Shepley and too busy to notice.

Kara is the roommate who we never see. She exists to make a handful of accurate comments and remains the sole remotely likeable character in the book.

Abby giggles. She studies high school level biology in college and sucks at it. She apparently likes numbers but hardly ever talks about those classes. She has a dark, dark past that’s never talked about until it’s all that’s talked about. She likes to drink and plays a mean game of poker. All these details and I still don’t know what drives her. I don’t know what her inner passions are or how she thinks and the book is written from her perspective in the first person limited voice.

“This is hard for me, ya know. I feel like any second you’re going to figure out what a piece of shit I am and leave me. When you were dancing last night, I saw a dozen different guys watching you. You go to the bar, and I see you thank that guy for your drink. Then that douchebag on the dance floor grabs you.”

Travis prizefights for money. He’s a genius and he doesn’t need to study. Travis has a short temper, cocky attitude, a dead mother, four brothers and a father who taught him everything he knows about beating other people up. Travis has tattoos. Travis has a six pack—such a shame it’s not a twelve pack—and he’s never met a speed limit he couldn’t break. Drunk or sober.

“I wouldn’t have swung if I thought I could have hit you. You know that, right?”

Travis doesn’t hit Abby. He comes into the bathroom when she’s in the shower. He comes up with a bet to keep her in the house with her. He talks her into sleeping in the same bed as him, because he’s never brought a girl he’s fucked there. He forces her to change her clothes when she dresses up too sexy. He grabs her to keep her safe. He stalks her. He buys her a puppy to stop her from leaving. He scares her when she is in the car kissing another man. He trashes the house the morning after they have sex because she leaves and refuses to talk to him. He beats up several guys for simply touching her.

And she lets him.

”Travis’s behavior piqued their curiosity, and I subdued a smile at being the only girl they had seen him insist on sitting with.”

”It wasn’t Parker I was trying to impress. I wasn’t in a position to be insulted when Travis accused me of playing games, after all.”

Worse, she’s manipulating him right back. On one occasion Abby tells Travis to teach someone manners, and he beats the guy to a pulp. There aren’t any repercussions or a fallout. Several of these unprovoked attacks happen outside the illegal prizefighting circles with plenty of eyewitnesses around. Yet, Travis is never detained, arrested, or even confronted by his friends. They’re all making excuses for him.

Abby’s reactions to Travis’ behaviour make no sense. She’s either blaming herself or acting irrationally and manipulating the situation to her end. She’s playing with Travis just as much he’s playing with her as evidenced by the events of the night they first sleep together. She tells him he’s a virgin, he tells her he likes it rough, they have sex—one of the few times condoms were used—and in the morning, she leaves. He trashes the house. America the worst friend who ever lived, comes to get Abby to talk Travis down. Not to make sure that Abby is safe and sound and far away from the psycho as possible, but to fetch her to the house so she can talk to Travis and calm him. So she can understand him.

The abuse, the antifeminism, the misogyny, the casual slut shaming, rape threads, girl-on-girl hate, it’s all omnipresent. You can’t avoid it.

Character driven stories rely on one essential idea: That the main character learns something. That all the pain and heartache, all the adventures that they experience within the story enrich them as a human being and make them grow as a person. Not necessarily for the better, but simply more aware. On some level the characters do need to be conscious of their actions and choices they make in the end of the book in a way they weren’t at the start of it.

In this, Beautiful Disaster fails.

Travis does forsake all others but he isn’t any better taking into account Abby’s feelings in the end of the book than he is in the beginning of it. As for Abby, life is still a huge poker game she’ll bluff her way through like it was before she met Travis. Well, maybe not bluff, but she’s always had a talent of manipulating the cards in her favour.

Instead of bare boned characters who apparently learn nothing within the four hundred and twenty odd ebook pages, I could be talking about the overall plot of the book. Except, there isn’t one:

A girl goes to see a fight. A girl meets a boy. They skip time and become friends. They make a bet and end up living under the same roof. They dance around each other and a girl tries dating another guy. The boy gets jealous and they sleep together. The bet has ended and the girl leaves. Boy gets angry. Girl comes back. They fight and the girl tries to leave. The boy gets her a puppy to make her stay—

This isn’t a plot. This is a list of consecutive events describing a dysfunctional codependent relationship. Of course, we could call it a relationship drama, but we’d also have to redefine words relationship and drama. There’s no internal conflict. Nothing is addressed and nothing is learned. All obstacles are external ones and easily cast aside.

But this is a romance novel about two people finding love together, you say.

No. It’s not.

This is as mislabelled as a romance as it was mislabelled as a young adult novel. There is absolutely nothing romantic about this book. It’s the author’s ode to Edward Travis’ character. A controlling, abusive, stalker is in the centre of everything and the reader can’t escape him even when Abby is on a date with another man. The conversation always quickly returns to Travis and stays there.


By now the strikethroughs have become obvious; I’m bringing up the Twilight connection:

This book reads like a Twilight fanfiction or work heavily inspired by Twilight.

America behaves as bipolar as Alice, and Travis is set upon a pedestal and worshipped just like Edward was. Travis shares Edward’s penchant for speeding. Travis and Abby’s first date is in a restaurant where the waiter flirts with him and he starts questioning him over the food. The biology lessons and the absent parent figures. Abby likes to bite her lip almost as much as Kristen Steward in her portrayal of Bella Swan. Parker Hayes reads like a distorted Mike Newton. etc. etc.

There isn’t any proof that I’m aware of to show that this ever was posted and labelled as a Twilight fanfiction. I’m going to have to go with the “inspired” by Twilight theory and keep my opinions to myself…

It looks like I failed too.